Tomorrow (October 17) will be the 45th anniversary of the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to Mother Teresa, who became synonymous with saint, to say the least, with her seemingly relentless dedication to those in impoverished conditions. And yet, as the years went by in her lifetime, a different story was being revealed about the one who was formally declared a saint by the Roman Catholic Church in 2016. That, as much of a Resurrection faith she exuded for a whole worldwide audience at times, for as much joy and love and compassion and kindness and enthusiasm she shared with “the least of these,” there was something else going on in the depths of her soul.
In an undated letter, but supposedly during her late thirties, she wrote the following:
Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The Child of your Love – and now become as the most hated one – the one - You have thrown away as unwanted – unloved. I call, I cling, I want – and there is no One to answer – no One on Whom I can cling – no, No One – Alone … Where is my Faith – even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness and darkness. My God – how painful is this unknown pain – I have no Faith – I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd in my heart and make me suffer untold agony.
So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them – because of the blasphemy – If there be God – please forgive me – When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven – there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul. I am told God loves me – and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.
Some would be shocked to think such an encapsulation of saint in the last half-century could have such a “dark night of the soul,” and actually many days and nights for this seemingly unflappable force of ministry for those in India. Some would say it diminishes Mother Teresa and all her loving acts of kindness. But I like to think it only makes her more real, more like us, not to mention providing a needed dose of hope for all those who struggle with God, faith, the church, and whatever spiritual else; but are not so sure there is ever a time and space to divulge such emptiness with anyone.
In a way, I believe such revelations only make her ministry even more powerful: that she can struggle with so much in the depths of her soul, and still insist on making joy and love and compassion and kindness and enthusiasm come to life for the “least of these,” even if she cannot find any of it for herself or understand the source of it all. I can only hope that she found just enough joy and all the goodness God has to offer to the whole world, including to the supposedly “most hated one,” to provide the blessed assurance she needed of the Gospel; and not just enough to smile for the camera, but enough to believe it was actually true for her, too.
Nevertheless, while the church continues to figure out ways to grow, I hope it isn’t just for numeric purposes, but for being the place and people where the “emptiness and darkness” will be just as welcomed and cherished as the ones with seemingly all the faith to move entire mountains. For we proclaim the God of the cross just as much as the God of the Resurrection: the God of the cross who loves us far too much for us to endure any part of this journey alone; and yes, the God of the Resurrection who will insist on finding a way to give us just enough for the next day and night, and perhaps, if we’re up to it, just enough to share that hope with others. Hopefully, Mother Teresa ended up believing in the depths of her soul that the Gospel was for her, too, and it is for you as well: nothing can happen in this life to ever separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus, our Lord…absolutely nothing! Thanks be to God, indeed!
In Christ,
Pastor Brad
If you wish to visit the Nobel Prize website with the page dedicated to Mother Teresa’s story, please click below:
https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/peace/1979/teresa/biographical/